Despair

I find myself in tears tonight.

Things have been busy lately – I finally decided (heh, implies choice) to leave the university and move back in with the parents, so there’s been a lot of forms to sign and boxes to move.

Tonight I tried, for the second time, to put in my application online for SSI disability benefits. (Yes, I know, wait for it.)

Now, I don’t have a good history with the social security office. The two times I visited one, I was brushed off. I don’t know if they took one look at a mostly able-bodied young girl and said, hey, she must be trying to trick us, but it sure as hell felt like it – they told me that I needed to apply online, entirely online, and that they were so far booked into the future that there was just no point in scheduling. As in they refused to schedule me.

And lo, as I am filling out the disability report tonight, not only do I lose the internet and all my progress, but I just happen to notice before it goes down that you can’t apply for SSI online, you can only fill out the adult disability report, print off a few forms, and schedule an interview. You know, that interview that my local office couldn’t afford to give me.

So I call up the hotline, and I manage to get a really sweet lady. Only problem is my local office is so far booked into the future that they have to call me to schedule – sweet lady said if I don’t get a phone call from the local office in a week I’ll have to call the national hotline again.

So… that’s a week, plus about three months or more until the next opening, plus the three to five months of processing?

Here I am, trapped in my parents house, beyond broke, bills to pay off, no job no school no nothing, and my one ray of hope is now months upon months away. I’m starting to cry again, wondering how I let myself get to this point, wondering what the hell to do. I’m an inch away from saying screw it and getting a job, even though my rational brain knows that CP + chronic pain = disaster. My last job proved that.

Anger and rage and fear are all bubbling away in my chest. I want to find every person that talks about folks “milking social security” and claw them in the face, because they have no clue how bad I need this money, what feels like to be laying face down in an employee bathroom in agonizing pain and realize that everything is slipping through your fingers.

…You’ll have to excuse the dramatics.

I’m feeling pretty low right now.


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